I’m a mother: why we really have kids

Why do we have children? The first, then second, third? After all, it’s safe to say that not every child is vital to have younger brothers or sisters. Nevertheless, this cycle is repeated again and again: the conception — gestation — birth — education… So why do we need children?

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Я же мать: зачем мы на самом деле рожаем детей

Need first: acceptance and unconditional love

Often, nedopoluchit unconditional love in childhood, we need someone who would accept us for who we are. Our children love us, whatever we were, we always forgive and really looking forward to love in return. Smile mom, her Breasts, the strong arms of the Pope is true happiness for a child. That is the unconditional love that fills our heart and is an incredible source of strength and confidence. And if we did not get the acceptance and unconditional love from our parents, we begin to want children even more — to compensate for this deficiency. Sometimes the desire to have many children is dictated by the need to fill some gaping wound inside of us. In other words, we need emotional support, so we could finally stop feeling lonely and abandoned.

Need two: the feeling and awareness of own competence

“We need to have a baby,” “And when was the decree?”, “Here, give birth to and understand!”… The society regularly supplies us with these and many other similar postulates. And we want to be sure that we can make real magic! And it turns out that the child is first and foremost a resource to meet their own needs for competence, “I can”, “I am parent”, “I held!”

Indeed, children is a “project” of a lifetime. A project of the creative, financial and resource, requiring a clear plan, creativity, endurance. And we need to be ready to work “in the long term”, to combine this basic “project” with other of our desires, plans and responsibilities. Giving birth to a child, we increase their self-esteem, as to become someone of authority, a mentor. But it is very important to share your experience, genetics, history, the need at the level of generations. The decree, childbirth, child care, family, work on the horizon — responsibility grows, the tasks multiply and the budget is bursting at the seams. We seem to go on the tightrope, balance, faster thinking, more breathing, less sleep, clearer plan. We gain strength and are increasingly separated from their parents. And this autonomy is also a need that makes us stronger.

Demand three: free expression of feelings and emotions

Do not forget that only a child and we become able to give unconditional love to YOURSELF. Someone. Just. This is especially important for people prone to suppressing emotions and emotional deprivation. It is very difficult to Express your feelings to a friend, your husband, parents, in the works, finally. But the realization of that desire is an important component of the harmonious development of personality. And with a child this need can be activated without fear — knowing that your feelings are important and necessary, they are waiting, they will not devalue.

Need four: the spontaneity and violations of the usual boundaries

Oddly, many give birth to tired from the usual way of life — to go on maternity leave. The child in this case becomes a way to change your life. This is especially characteristic of women-workaholics who are emotionally burnt out at work (even loved!) see the decree as a release and indulgence to rest: “Well, now I can relax and quit!” Such decisions are often people who are prone to perfectionism, self-sacrifice: they can’t just leave work or take a vacation, and maternity leave — like and not ashamed. So they satisfy the essential need of the individual in spontaneity, autonomy and freedom.

By the way, when we play with a child, sculpt, draw, crawl around on all fours, singing him a lullaby, we also satisfy their needs for creativity and free play. This resource state with the mind not very noticeable, but powerfully promotes and stimulates our emotional component.

Perhaps, in the language of psychology all of these words sound quite dryly: “need”, “competence”, But you must clearly understand that our desire to have children there are certain reasons. And this does not negate the fact that children is a great happiness! This is the beauty that decorates our world and makes it brighter. Parents who are guided by the phrases “children,” “children must”, “the baby is manipulating me,” “he is irrepressible!”, it is necessary to understand one simple thing: you gave birth to a person to strengthen THEIR feelings, THEIR emotions. The child did not ask you about it! Even while in the womb, the baby is already a person, he is not your property and not your reflection.

Therefore, we, the parents, initially you need to be ready for anything and already at the planning stage of pregnancy to understand how to draw energy for the education of the child and how to restore in this process his hand.

In order for the project “child” was successful, you need to understand the reasons why you decided to do this miracle, what need you were closed. Of course you need to accept and respect this person: never treat the child as silly without feelings and needs and love him always and not only when he sleeps and does not cause any inconvenience. Remember that the child’s behavior is your responsibility, your example and the result of your messages to him. But these messages were true, you need to monitor their health, not to deny myself the right to fatigue and to rest, continue to be creative and work and not be afraid to ask for help.

And the main thing — to be sincere with ourselves.

Author: Maria Skryabina, psychotherapist, expert of the project SelfMama, speaker SelfMama Forum 2017