Arina Choline on how to become selfish and why it is necessary

There is an axiom that no one has ever questioned, and one of them — “Selfishness is bad”. Why, exactly? Arina Choline decided to figure it out.

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Арина Холина о том, как стать эгоисткой и почему это необходимо

Children in years three understand that all things belong to someone. There is a “me” and others. As a rule, it all goes with the scandals — they want back their toys, not allowed to touch others, and even the mother is only “my”, do not touch. This knowledge of the world. Which on average ends up with his parents abuse, are forced to share and stand on the side of another child, because to do so “ugly”.

All attempts to organize a world of his own repressed rude and categorical.

Well, then we are taught to be “pious”. We just explain that we have someone that is that first duty, then pleasure, that is ugly to think only about themselves. And if we were not so lucky to be born girls, we are taught to agree, keep the opinions to yourself, be humble, sweet, gentle, careful, neat, slim, sexy (but not loose!), elegant. And it works against our Ego — because they are taught to please others, not ourselves. Stress: especially if we’re women.

Men can be selfish. With some exaggeration, of course, but they are taught to move towards their goal, to compete, to respect their obvious desire.

But women don’t have that luxury. A woman should live in anticipation of a meeting with a man who she will look in his mouth to listen very carefully to everything he deigns to tell her, women have to sacrifice their interests.

In some families of my friends where there when my father, children were locked in the nursery, did not allow them to climb to tired dad. And moms, even in a head did not come that you can leave the house to meet friends or watch the movie that I want her. Many have broken their biological rhythm in order to go to bed with her husband — well, either much earlier, or, conversely, later (still got girls like that that get in bed at eleven at night, for example, and then lie awake for four hours).

Well, these women and the fate it turns out some sacrificial. That they three weeks waiting for a call, that they run at the first call (and not in a chic restaurant, and where you will call home at least once with the pan they cooked borscht), they are the last after the party (and not in order to engage in passionate sex and to wash the dishes), they claim that the phrase “You would thin — out, you have legs like logs” — not rudeness, but a sincere and warm concern for their health.

“You’re selfish!” — said (or shouted) to me personally many men. And in the quarrels it was like a strong argument (from their point of view). After him I probably had to fall apart from insults and humiliation.

And it’s funny that men said that in cases where my “selfishness” I mean that I don’t want to submit to their desires. He lost his job, the new one is clearly not looking for… “Dear, you’re sending a resume?” “You’re selfish!” He wants to Spain, I’m in Denmark, and who is selfish? I, of course, selfish.

But anyway, I, of course, selfish. And not because they can’t cede Denmark (just may), but because they do not believe that women were created to serve men.

I had a divorce after which I was found for some cases with the former, and he told me boastfully that “signed” (in quotes because it wasn’t, of course, a legal contract, and this symbolic agreement) with the girl that she does or doesn’t do, what his interests are shares, how to take care of him. In fact, I him myself long ago (before the break) saying that he needs another not the same as me. But for the sake of completeness and is not represented. According to him, the woman next to is the person that all the time, all their energies devoted to the Man. Any collision with its own habits/desires him uncomfortable.

I remembered that in the beginning, I came to visit him, asked for an ashtray, and he said that the apartment he did not smoke. The balconies at his house was not on the stairs Smoking has long been unseemly, so I said “OK, thanks for the wine, I’ll go home.” Well, I smoke. If it’s unbearable, then we are clearly not on the road. I’m not going to go down the street from the seventh floor, really? Smoking or a man? Sorry, of course, Smoking. This man, I still do not know, but I smoke all my life.

Yes, he was shocked that I was in any strange situation, choose yourself and your life. How so? (To be honest, I’m still not entirely clear why he decided to meet me. Even scary to think about.)

Perfectly know that the first experiences of relationships that a woman is automatically adjusted. One way or another. Our ego is damaged — he’s disabled, has a disability. Even if a woman and will insist on, she’s then the first will suffer from compassion to the man with whom she was either rude or it would be a shame that he never got what he wanted. Moreover, the man more arrogant, Patriarchal, the more she will feel sorry for him.

Sex is also so arranged that the woman should lie down and to do so he was good. You just got out of the way, asked something or made a remark and he instantly offended.

Why women are afraid to be selfish — they don’t want to lose men who do not tolerate if a woman is suddenly “too human”.

I know girls who are in a relationship — completely different people. A relationship ends, and they suddenly from desperate Housewives, who every evening after work preparing fresh meals from women who had not seen anything except the fighters and the TV series “Force majeure”, of the women who almost wear gym shoes so they suddenly eat only in restaurants, not take your shoes off, include both “Beauty” and “Sex in BG” and enjoying MY life. Until the next relationship.

It is clear that everyone decides for themselves, but here’s the question: why all the time to suppress their desires? What gives, really? Man “at any price”, which will still begin to hate, as a prisoner of the jailer, or you?

Selfishness is a good thing. Doesn’t have to be bulging selfish, who do not care about people and their troubles, but the ability to stand your ground, respect for your life is the one rational egoism, we need to educate.

Please note that most people somehow get stuck in a quagmire — just because I do not know how to be themselves, allow anyone to violate its borders.

Forget everything they were taught by parents (on this topic). Forget what you’ve seen at home or in the neighbourhood. Who said that these people can be trusted?

Here is my uncle ate soup prepared by her aunt, and saying: “your mother’s better at it.” And my aunt is still happy that he respects her mom. I personally would have taken away his plate and poured the soup down the toilet. Like, either marry the mother, or behave like a man. Uncle, actually, was an amazing delicacy man. Cousin shouted: “what are You, stupid?!” There’s no telling how much it ruined her life.

Very funny that women fear losing their man, if they are selfish. But the truth is that it is men are most afraid of losing the woman (Yes, this is often not very noticeable), but if a woman has a will, then these men then do not get rid of. The more you respect yourself the more you stretch people. Such a rule of life.

Oh Yes, men will resist. But they have to drive over the threshold, if they work hard to impose their game. So, as I said, or did. Well, or a reasonable compromise.

And anyway, if a man has to fight, this is not the man. Whoever he was — father, boyfriend, boss. You are uncomfortable with it — then resign.

Everything changes in life, and only you. Have herself. So, around you must be a world you like. Not mom, not dad, not husband, not children. You. And then suddenly, there are people in this world fit. And that in no way want to change you for themselves. With whom you are on the same side.

Don’t let anyone accuse him of selfishness. First, it only means that people are sitting around wringing your hands, and secondly, selfishness is not an insult, and dignity. They need to be proud of, it must be nurtured, it needs to go in front, like so there’s no doubt that you are the clay from which you can sculpt anything, and the marble, you rock, you won’t move.