It is normal to experience guilt, if you really are guilty of something. The only problem is that we often feel guilty literally out of the blue. We were scolded for the untidiness — we feel guilt for having accidentally spilled coffee. We were told: “If you don’t kiss your aunt, she will be unhappy,” and now we are responsible for the happiness of all others. We were asked: “You’re a good girl and will share the candy, right?”and we feel guilt for having brought it to the office only one Apple. How to deal with it?
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Imagine a plate full of strawberries. There is a plate of very ripe berries. They are big and red. There are less berries. There is a very small, managed to blush on one side only. The plate is only yours. No need to share. No need to hurry.
And here you start eating. What kind of berries take first? You eat first the ripest berries? Or leave them for last?
10 years ago I caught myself thinking that I hate to go alone in the bus. It seemed to me that the driver it’s annoying that no one sits down. He does not earn. And I like somehow indirectly affect it. And it is clear that I does not affect. But it’s a weird feeling… And even at the store when I have no “no surrender.” And the seller is not. I, seemingly, innocent. But that feeling again… Or a man suddenly said he had waited all evening, wanted to hang out. And I’m at work late. Not knowing of his desire. But this feeling appears again. And recently a friend asked to borrow money. Gave, fearing to lose a friend. And there it is again. This feeling…
The feeling of non-existent guilt.
Those of you who left ripe berries are finally able to perceive a non-existent guilt. And perhaps feel it right now.
Look at what it is and why we are so sick of this feeling.
Why blame non-existent?
When we have offended someone or cheated, you feel guilty. It is a feeling that allows us to think and to rectify the situation. But this same feeling can arise in the case, when we did nothing wrong. Or even to be forced upon us.
Question friends: “are You still not married?”Or saying mothers as if into space, “Here raise a child, and then persuade him to help you.” Or comment head: “Go home on time? Well, well”.
Many need our conscience. Family, friends, teachers, neighbors, passers-by, colleagues. All it is important that the conscience is not sleeping we have since childhood. But still need repentance for transgressions. And punishment for disobedience. It’s so convenient to adults. With these instruments in education is faster and more productive.
The feeling of non-existent guilt is a whole complex of destructive emotions. Remorse, fear, aggression, desire to protect themselves from this aggression, the desire to hide. Sometimes we blame ourselves, even without waiting for the accusations from the others. We were scolded for the untidiness — we feel guilt for having accidentally spilled coffee. We were told: “If you don’t kiss your aunt, she will be unhappy” — and now we are responsible for the happiness of all others. We were asked: “You’re a good girl and will share the candy, right?”and we feel guilt for having brought it to the office only one Apple.
Gradually to feel fear and remorse becomes habitual. We no longer control the emotions and can no longer safely eat the berries and ride in the bus.
Who is to blame and what to do?
Of course, to dispense with guilt impossible. It restrains us from those things that we probably regret. But the feeling of non-existent guilt better learning to replace awareness.
When this feeling arises, ask yourself: am I guilty? And answer honestly.
If so and the fault is obvious — fix. Apologize. Offer an alternative.
If not — stop to think about it. Enjoy in an empty bus. Dare to say “no.” And quietly eat your strawberries in any order.
Text: Anna Lipatova, coach relations between men and women, co-author of the methodology of “Conscious construction of the family»