The crisis, which will make you a woman

Just now everything was just perfect. You’re a big girl and already know what is important and what is chaff and footprints in the sand leading to the beach toilet. You have family, work and friends, time-tested. And cheerful dog that understands you perfectly. You’re still young and beautiful. But what so sad as well? Why are you so sad?

And that, sweetie, you have chosen a midlife crisis. And, unfortunately, cannot be avoided. Hang in there, we are with you!

Снежана Грибацкая

Snezhana Hrebacka


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Snezhana Hrebacka
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Кризис, который сделает тебя женщиной

Symptom 1. You’ll think about it today

“I’ll think about it tomorrow” — brilliant quote. Because truthful. Are you living more than three decades. The problem is that tomorrow has turned into today. Of course, some questions were irrelevant — you don’t need to think about why Petrishchev you changed so mean, you’re 15 years married to a lawyer by Kolbasova, and Petrishchev works as a mechanic and takes a loan for the purchase of the refrigerator, ha-ha-ha. But there is still a lot of issues, and the terrible question “Who would I be when I grow up”. Because it now sounds so: “Who do I become when I am old?”. Want to immediately become ashes, to be lying quietly in a beautiful malachite green urn and not think about anything. Because thinking is unbearable.

Output: not to think it will not work, alas. To think positively does not work too, abandon all hope, ye who enter up to 35 lived. And the usual psychotropic drugs do not help: after drinking, you turn on YouTube goateed fella Grebenshchikov, and this is the right path into the abyss. Because your recent fifteen turns out to be farther from you than your future fifty.

If the case is very bad, do not torment your flimsy internal resource and go to the doctor. He will give a magic pill and life is not something that will be a change of pace — she will simply come back. But if it’s not so bad — prozit! Horses in midstream is not, as they say. Coffee black horse pizza horse red, vodka, white horse, morning horse bled. At least something does not change, right?

Symptom 2. You don’t recognize yourself in the mirror

Because there is not really a girl. Natural is not very girl — with wrinkles dimmed eyes and dull hemp instead of mermaid hair. Your body you’re changed. It’s basely betrayed. It was not so soon to get old! Or consciousness is also supposed to grow old, but inside something you not more than twenty-five. Return all back!

Output: in any unclear situation shake ass. No, this is really good advice — even if you’re slender as a cypress, muscle mass you lose, and fat is increasing. It is the nature. From her point of view, it’s time for you to stop looking for roots and berries in a radius of a hundred miles, but it’s time layed in the cave and support the hearth. Horror. Nature generally heartless creature, and that you knew just. When it became clear that genetics is powerless against creams, injections and cryotherapy.

On the other hand, beat the enemy with his own weapons. Your sadness about the inevitable aging of the powerless against the endorphins that you boil right in the moment when you first charge to someone in the jaw. We want to say — don’t go to yoga. This is for girls and women. Go to Boxing, Taekwondo or kickboxing. You now absolutely necessary not only to move and grow muscles, but someone beat to a bloody pulp. With impunity.

Symptom 3. You will be frightened of separation from children

Getti Images

Caution! Dangerous moment! Because your children are likely to be almost teenagers. And they have there own crisis. You, of course, have already imagined how they leave you — old mother, wrapped in a tattered Orenburg shawl. And sincerely mourned his bitter fate. A puberty do you remember? Parents didn’t understand you because they do not understand anything! So — we release you of your sins: it’s not you doing all sorts of lewdness, that your parents suffered a midlife crisis and imagined myself trilobites. Do not repeat their mistakes, right?

Output: you were born in the late seventies — early eighties, right? Report: Kostya Kinchev is not just alive. He still looks like a wounded wild cat and sings about the fact that a compromise is not for us. And still charges the room so that even the fans of “Tender may” fall into a nostalgic fit. Go with the child — you will not regret. The offspring will like, you will be charged. Tickets — five thousand. To be with the child on the same wave — priceless.

Symptom 4. You might want to have another baby

Soft scented baby. You want to not because of fear of separation from children. You just calculate approximately how many eggs you have left, and she went into hysterics. That’s-that’s all broken? Reproductive system many years you have served faithfully and — I mean, I let you live a normal life and all the nerves harassed, infection — and now what? What a nightmare! No less, however, the nightmare of thinking about how at this age it is normal to carry and give birth to without losing every last shred of health. And how to educate without the help of grandparents — because they themselves have needed help.

Yield: to Give advice in such matters — it is bad. Therefore, we do not give, BAA-BAA-BAA. Although no — one will give: it would be another fifteen years before you will say — get off, the horse died. That is, if you have the baby now, by the time of the collapse of your reproductive system you will have ready the teenager. We so thick implying that you have time to think.

Symptom 5. You chase two hares

It is inevitable in any case. If you’re spitting on all the losers from the top of your career — you will regret that little time is given to the family. If you’re dedicated to her husband, children and home — you will regret wasted years. Could it cure cancer, invent. Well, if you managed to place as a professional and as a mother, wife and mistress — you will regret that too little time devoted to yourself.

Output: to compete with yesterday’s graduates are already late, in fact. It’s not boys and girls, and natural hyenas bite the rails, laughing. To start a family at first, too, oddly: works — do not touch. But now is the time to do them. Honestly, in 20 years you still wouldn’t understand what the buzz of therapeutic massage. Not bruised? But now you will. Guarantee.

Symptom 6. You decide that terminally ill

Getti Images

Spot on the cheek is not the result of excessive Smoking, and the evil melanoma, of course. Chest pain not because you spend too much time at the computer, but because your a flaming engine was worn out and tomorrow will stop. You’re probably going to die of a heart attack. Or from a stroke. That, in essence, for the better — because otherwise you tomorrow to visit Alzheimer’s. Or Parkinson’s, Addison and Huntington, and many other interesting men. Actually, this is the only interesting men that will be you to visit. Well, Kondraty still here.

Output: go to the doctor. He will definitely find you in the analysis something nasty that doesn’t die and not even to live badly. But! In 20 years this stuff will certainly make themselves felt, if not immediately to give up Smoking, alcohol and delicious food.

Table number five, fresh air, the mode of the day. Terrible advice, it is better to the morgue. So, actually, you think. And you think about what you have, it turns out, twenty years of normal life, not six months of agony before the tragic, untimely death.

Symptom 7. You start to think in the subjunctive mood

And if you’re not married kovbasova, you could marry the Prince of Monaco. Although no — he’s bald and ugly. But you could be a famous figure skater. That’s if your mom is not lazy to drive you to the rink at seven in the morning. These data are lost! And your talent as a designer of railway bridges to the root of ruined the pregnancy? Where is he now, why you’re designing hotel bathrooms? Life is lived, polymers fucked. Amen.

Output: you are certainly very clever, but your brain is stupid stupid. Him, you see, is absolutely unimportant, whether there will be future generations of human young to remember your kind words. It is important that you’re self-satisfied and proud. To him all is one — though the bridge, though a trained rat, though Brad pitt pastel written as a living. Give him — and yourself — at least a tiny reason to be proud of you. And a.

Symptom 8. You try to find meaning in life

And, of course, will not find. And if it is not — it is better in the loop, what on earth to suffer? That’s before the point was to learn new things. For the first time to fall in love. For the first time to pass with flying colors a difficult test. For the first time to give birth. For the first time to realize that everything fools and are not treated. And now for that nowhere — all has been tested, understood, felt. Romantic moment is lost, what a pity.

Output: psychologists usually suggest to start traveling, come up with some fascinating hobby, well, or lover to have finally — what harm could it do, because there’s nowhere worse. But it’s all a lie. I mean — about that will not be worse. You can freeze to death on Everest, breaking his both legs at the ballet bar and become a victim of gigolo. But this is, frankly, very unlikely.

But to a lot of new experiences, suddenly to turn a hobby into a new, fascinating profession and fall in love — though a new man, though again her husband easily. Moreover, usually this happens at that midlife crisis makes us to handle and starts a wonderful new life. And if she still can not start, then you can start a live raccoon. First‑he has such cute hands dirty. And secondly- you’re now a big girl and can do anything. Everything-everything is possible, and raccoon too. Yay!