“Being feminine doesn’t mean being a doormat”: says Michael Labkovsky

When Mikhail Labkovsky says about self-sufficient and self-confident woman, a mind: it will a man in a skirt! Let’s talk about it.

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Cosmo Online
Psychology
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«Быть женственной не значит быть тряпкой»: рассуждает Михаил Лабковский

Many of the women who read my column and listening to lectures, there is a protest. When I talk about independence, self-sufficiency, ability to provide for themselves, to make crucial decisions, his own career, control your life — women tell me that I drew purely masculine way. The hard, sharp, completely devoid of femininity.

Suppose. But let’s see what happens to a woman, devoid of these so-called “masculine” qualities. Imagine a girl-a girl, a fairy. All such contradictory and sudden.

First, she had no money. She had never worked and have always relied on the man who was keeping her. First it was the father, then it was solemnly passed to her husband. About any relationships in such a family can not speak: the girl child is a familiar position, and her husband prepared for the role of a caring dad. This is the best.

When will fall the veil of love, a man in the role of the father will somehow begin to look critically at the “wishlist” of his wife. She wants a new fur coat? Old is still quite decent looks. New boots? Doesn’t she have enough shoes? I’d rather spend the money on something else! Woman as a steady source of spending is gradually starting to get annoying. Her needs seem to be not so important, it requests the head men turn into “Pilica” and nagging, he doesn’t want to please her new clothes or a gift, because she always asks. And asks, and asks, how much can.

Kids we love selflessly. A woman selflessly love impossible (like a man). Is impossible to give without getting anything in return. This is a contractual relationship, it is important to balance. And believe me: sex and food are not quite significant factors, so the man decided that he would lavish on his wife all the luxuries of the world. In addition, money is power. And rizzolati the man eventually thinks: if I contain, I am the master of the house, I want to command. I’m in charge. And she would do what I said. I’m not going with her to consult. I decide everything myself. It will comply, where would she go? This was the loss of respect and the collapse of the family as such.

Second, a woman has a fear. If the man leaves, who is going to feed her? With age, the probability to meet an intelligent, wealthy, attractive single guy ready to take a woman on a security falls, and if this woman has children is falling rapidly.

But even if a man does not disappear, every year this woman he becomes less interesting because she has no her life. What did he say to her? Children, shops, series is boring. Every day is like the previous one, all the news is about life. Many would argue now: a hobby? It can also be interesting hobby! Yes, a hobby she might be. But this is not about self-fulfillment. She may get involved in yoga to draw, but it’s monotonous. It look two listen, and then say: all right, enough, enough. It just kills time, it achieves nothing, not growing, not pursuing, not moving forward. The swamp is.

Of all her interests revolve around agriculture. With her do not want to discuss something interesting because her perspective on the issue will be unwise, inappropriate and unnecessary. She saw little, she had little contact with well-rounded people, she taxied out of various crises, in fact — she doesn’t have the life experience that has a woman running and actively self-fulfilling. Work — it’s not about the money, work is about personal growth, about the accumulation of social and professional relationships, this clash of different ways of communication and action, building relationships with people of different characters, this is what is called the school of life.

That remains our lyrical heroine? To give birth to children. This is a good way to live for free for many years. Only children tend to grow, and to give birth to 5 or more children in our culture are not too common. That is to 45 years approximately it is no longer needed for their children all day, they are quite independent. And the more she did not know how. Well, imagine the scene: while the children were young, male, all fed-clothed and ensured because he is a decent person. Now the children have grown, speak to him with his wife about, as a person she’s not interested in him as a constant source of problems and the need to give money tired. How attractive do you consider the prospects of a 45-year-old woman, a day in the life of not working, which leaves husband?

Finally, the most important. In the life of unemployed women, supporters of the Patriarchal structure in the family, is missing a key component of the concept “adult”. It does not control my life. She is always dependent. She needs to adjust, to give and bend, because otherwise it will remove from the allowance. If she say no, she can’t say, “I don’t need to, she’ll buy/decide to/will do it.” She has nothing except looks. Everything else bought and not created it, and therefore can be taken away at any moment. In addition, she can’t even plan! Today the situation is such, and tomorrow will be different. In fact, the Patriarchal family is the same version of relationship that the employer and the employee. Well things are going, the worker tries — quarterly bonus can give. Started to get sick often and lost his enthusiasm was fired and hired a new one. The employee initially in a dependent position, he can’t come to the boss and demand a pay raise so that is guaranteed to get it. To solve all and always will be the owner of the company, not the staff.

Well, go back to where we started: to be female. Nothing prevents female engineer wearing dresses, no one denies the doctor to put your hair curls, and the head of financial Department could melt the rosy-cheeked dolls. Nothing prevents researchers to be gentle and caring. No one takes female police officer the right to love flowers and poetry.

The icing on the cake: people ask me why a woman who is self-sufficient, successful, cope with all problems on their own, financially independent and realized, man.

Answer: for joy. In the family of both people to each other for joy. If a person sees in another is not happiness, but the unit to perform certain functions, it is the finish.

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