No need to apologize: Ekaterina Popova about what women should not be ashamed

Enough excuses and apologize for his normal life!

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Не стоит извинений: Екатерина Попова о том, чего женщинам не надо стыдиться

“I gained weight a bit, really busy lately, no time for sport”.

“I have a mess, but that’s due to the fact that sick”.

“I’m not married because I want to focus on your career”.

Women are very often asked forgiveness for his life, explaining why she doesn’t look like a picture from a glossy magazine or an IKEA catalog. All they have to say why their weight is not ideal, there is no stamp in the passport, no children, not enough or too much, the house still reigns Supreme, huge, and the kitchen in the freezer semi-finished products instead of fresh soup on the stove. This is a necessary measure in our society too many stereotypes, and if you don’t talk first, fighting with them will receive the mark girl or nobody wants ugly faster than you can say “blueberry pie”.

The problem is that most of these stereotypes actually are without any Foundation. And those that are most poison women’s lives and deprive them of hope of help, I’d like to talk.

No need to apologize for the mess

The first and most important — about the mess in the house. It is believed that if the apartment the woman is a mess, the corners and ride the lumps of dust, a sink Packed with dirty dishes, and scattered around things, we just see ourselves “Homo mule INES” — housewife is lazy. It should be less than lie on the couch to read Marie Kondo and Erin Doland, and motivation often go to FlyLady.

Actually untidy house is not a marker of slovenliness and desire for idleness, and the first evidence that the woman needs help. If you see really egregious dirt and clutter — before you either sick or hopelessly sachivalaya man who, quite possibly, will soon fall sick, because there are no impossible tasks — is a heart attack in 30 years.

All, absolutely all cases of catastrophic mess that I have seen, has always been a story either about the disease or pathological of employment. Sometimes it’s obvious: for many of my friends are “on duty” from older relatives necessarily include the cleaning of old people with this unable to cope. At times it seems that actually the person is healthy and he would be more hard work and the urge to clean, but actually the reasons are still not in personal qualities. When my friend, always apologetic for the fact that it is not removed (“drop it on the floor and sit down”), passed the tests, psihoterapevta, watching her, grabbed his head: “Thank God that there were only a mess!”

Life is the first thing that rolls at the time of exhaustion or depression. If any of your friends or relatives suddenly “scored” on a service, I strongly advise you to look at it carefully — it is likely that this is the first bell that human life is something really bad.

About pathological busyness, I think, to explain too. I believe that it is time to mass produce posters “I Have three children and two dogs”, “I work full-time study at a University” or “for six months at 12 hours a day, seven days a week” that might hang in the hall or immediately to the front door.

No need to apologize for the piece

In addition to the of your home you don’t have to apologize for her figure, shame it, and explain why “it happened.” It is even more difficult: no matter how much was said about genetics, about the fact that the cause of the fullness are most often of the disease (and Yes, the eating disorder is also a disease), about the relationship of excess weight and living standards, most people continue to believe that it’s just the food. Any fat person, they believe, simply eating bread and pasta, and then lying on the sofa. Recently one of my friends broke a post about how he watched “very young and full woman” in the supermarket: he listed the contents of her basket (sweets, noodles, sausages), remember the Soviet habit to feed, the report said that the problem of fat people is in their food behavior.

The situation with excess weight very similar to the situation with the cleaning. No one likes to live in filth, nobody wants to be fat. But the causes and disorder, and obesity in nine cases out of ten is not a lack of discipline and laziness and circumstances which could not be overcome.

To begin a diet, it is necessary to fill a refrigerator products is known to all who ever tried to go to Soju. Replace pasta and sausages for beef, fish, seafood, and vegetables increases the cost of food at least twice — and to afford this mess of a budget can be one, which then will tell you what to eat right just, you just have to get used to. Sport and physical activity require free time, and usually also equipment, a gym membership and work with the coach in the early stages. And now we are talking about an ideal situation, when a person is healthy and really overweight (not trying to overcome genetics that does not meet the conventional requirements of feminine appearance).

I know a woman who within a year doctors vying advised diet, refusing to believe that rapid weight gain is “from scratch” — in the end it turned out that she had thyroid cancer. One of my friends could not understand why the complete absence in the diet of pasta, sweets and rolls it continues to “grow” outwards — until I found a good endocrinologist. Needless to say that he’s not working in the district hospital and a private hospital, the admission, he is worth a quarter of the average Russian salary, and are scheduled for the months ahead? I was able to reduce the number of bouts of compulsive overeating only after several years of reading relevant literature and personal psychotherapy — and that are aware that this effect will cancel out any serious stress.

Before you ashamed of your weight, ask yourself, do you really have access to high quality medicine, an opportunity to completely reshape your diet, time to exercise, money on psychotherapy and the General “comfort zone” — a quiet life without chronic stress? No? Then forget about self-blame — this is about as appropriate as blaming yourself for something that you can’t buy a yacht.

The extra weight is not your fault. You should not be ashamed and make excuses for him. You will solve this problem when you can. Or decide because you won’t meet a good doctor, you will not find a job with a salary twice more than now, or you are just born to be taller and bigger than other women. But it’s your life, your circumstances, and you are never obligated to be accountable for them. You even are not obliged to have an internal dialogue about why your figure is so imperfect, and constantly to think, what and how to do with it.

No need to apologize for a modest success

Another binding today’s trend success. Success similar to Chupacabra: the word is it even clear what it means, but how it exactly looks like, nobody knows. Like as a career — but it is unknown what should be the position and which company (and will do any job or business should have their own). Probably, income — but also know when to be proud of the salary to twenty minimum wage is enough or you need at least a hundred? Family clearly, but not clear enough whether her husband and children — or still have quality requirements?

Let’s remember this: the average salary in Russia — 36 thousand (and then only due to the large numbers in Moscow and Northern regions, to speak about 20-25 thousand), and leadership positions — 5% of the total. So it’s a shame not to get into the 5% successful people? Is it really bad to be normal? After all, life is still the one and I would not like to conclude with a heart attack at 30. There are a lot of nice things in addition to Bali, for example, Arkhipo-Osipovka on the black sea coast. Of course, envy will be smaller — but there will be the same.

Marriage is a separate (and perhaps the most important) success rate women. To kill a beaver — it is the life of every girl. Well, if the beaver is fat and fluffy, but overall will come down any, even sickly, mangy and shitting in the corners of beast is better than beaver’s non-existent. Go to offset even the beavers disappeared (as he wrote chmielewska, in thirty years “divorced” sounds much better than “not married”).

Sociologists and psychologists say that the roots of this attitude to marriage in the past, when the only guarantee of survival in old age were children (at least one, but will look after frail parents), and to raise them alone together. Now the best friends of women, — “white” high wages, and the elderly — properties that allow for life of the rentier. Women who have both, come to regard beavers calmer, be legible, and even go so far as to lead them only in the case of sincere affection for a specific animal, not just for the status of browsability. So stop explaining yourself, why you are alone. Because I can afford it.

Guilt and shame prevent us from living. Time and again, refuse them, forbid others to impose them — and see how it would be easier. And the saved time and effort can be spent on something really useful. To understand why you weigh not as much as I would like, and whether it is necessary to change something. For culinary experiments. Read a professional literature, or thinking and not change it at all the scope of activities. On walks with the kids. Finally, to install Tinder and chat with the beavers. What you would not have spent — it will be better than blaming himself.

And by the way, contrary to another popular stereotype, considering the influence of circumstances on what’s going on in your life, doesn’t make you a helpless victim, unable to change anything. On the contrary, allows you to do so properly and effectively.